The Ghost of You | a story

Wednesday, October 31, 2018

picture by Jeremy Vessel.




10 FEBRUARY.



I scrolled my phone again and again. It's been one month - twenty-four days for exact. This is our latest text, not ours, only me.




18 JANUARY
My text last month, he just disappears even though he is online today!



I analyzed my texts, is there anything I did wrong? I was so worried that day, then I feel like not going to text him anymore. I'm a classy woman. My best friend forbid me to text or call him, but I MISS HIM A LOT! I want to text him, hear his voice, hold his hand, have lunch together, cuddle him, and so many things! I just have to resist this. One more day. One more day...

But every day I keep on scrolling our chats, analyzing while reminiscing everything. I'm just 23, not knowing boys a lot - well he's a man actually, he's 29 and he is very mature in person, I can tell that. Things can happen, a lot of things because life is unpredictable right? And out of so many possibilities, I'm trying to figure out why is he acting like this. He was very sweet, respectful, gentle, and lovely. There's must be something behind his act...

I scrolled to our first date chat, he took me out for coffee and we were attracted to each other a lot. But suddenly Don - my ex - came to our table and asked Jaden why does he want to date me, Don told Jaden I was a big mistake. I was so embarrassed but Jaden managed to remain calm and made a great counter-attack to Don and embarrass him back.


20 DECEMBER


I smiled. He was super sweet. I bet Don was so embarrassed and angry at the same time because Jaden is way much better and very classy. He was my perfect Christmas gift, but suddenly I realized that he's not replying my text anymore. He is online this morning, but didn't give any attention to my chats from 24 days ag0 - well maybe my chat is already drowned in his WhatsApp now. I feel terribly hurt and curious, what did I do that made him went away?

OMG. Is it Don? I remember that day Don followed Jaden on Instagram, and we laughed at it together. Did Don asked Jaden out and said something?


**

"How's Cassey? She's good to you?" Don asked Jaden with a smirk. Jaden took a sip of his tea while throwing a pretty smile.

"She's amazing, what is your problem that I should meet you today?"

"I just want to warn you, her mother is sick, and her dad is an alcoholic. I was hit by her dad twice just because I kissed her in front of her house. He was totally drunk, and it happened every time I visited her house."

"If that so, is it bother you? Do my safety concern you?" asked Jaden.

"Sure thing. I told you the truth. You owe me some money for that."

Jaden laughed and scratch his head.

"Listen, Don, why should I pay for something that I don't need? You're the one who is sick! Just get lost!"

"You have to admit that you want some information about her! She's not that innocent girl that you think she is! This is just an introduction, I can give you a lot of information about her if you'd like!"

"That's my job to find out about her! You have no rights to force me about that, Don!"

"Fine. Trust me, and you'll regret it soon after you know more truths about her!" Don soon left the place and suddenly there's a big question mark inside Jaden's mind.


**


No no no. It can't be. It would be super silly for Don to asked Jaden and tell him my secrets! Yes my parents are sucks but that can't be a reason for Jaden to give up on me, did he??

What was my dark secret? I once nearly cut my wrist to end my life due to depression. Is it gonna be a real deal for Jaden?

What else? Hmmm, I was being bullied at school for years because I was overweight and looked like a pregnant pig. But it was my childhood! Jaden wouldn't mind with that! And Don has no clue about this shit. I burned all of my childhood pictures.

What else? I do believe in the zodiac, tarots, lucks, and everything surreal-related, I guess I ain't the only one in the whole world. I just like to research things like that, not a big fanatic. Besides, Jade knew about that! I scrolled to our conversation about this topic...


23 DECEMBER

I laughed a little bit, I missed how fun he was, and how cheerful my days when we were together. Tears come down from my eyes. It hurts more than I expected...

Oh no, Gemini man. I traced back to my browsing history and found some trusted articles about Gemini man. 


**

When a Gemini man falls in love, it is hard to say how long it will last. He needs change and responds to the excitement and the surprising nature of their loved one. While he feels emotion, he thinks that it goes deep and will rarely ask himself if it is just something that will pass tomorrow. Enjoying the moment, he could truly get on their partner’s nerves if they constantly try to make plans for their future together. This doesn’t mean Gemini partner doesn’t care, but he needs spontaneity in his life because everything else makes him feel tied down. He is gentle, exciting, changeable, detached and can certainly make a woman laugh. He is all those things in one person and all in one day, every day.

You couldn’t exactly say that a Gemini man is dependable or reliable. He has no intention of letting their partner down, but he is not aware of the speed of changes in his feelings of reality. When he is in love for real, he will have seasons in his feelings no matter the love. From spring and blossoming desire to winter and unbearable distance, he is a difficult man to be with if you expect consistency. The only way he can remain in a functional relationship is if he finds a partner who is self-sufficient and fully independent. If he finds a partner who catches a glimpse of his winter and leaves him to boil waiting – someone to love him in the exact same way as he loves, but with a little more patience.


**


"The only way he can remain in a functional relationship is if he finds a partner who is self-sufficient and fully independent."

Does it mean I am not self-sufficient and independent enough for him? Am I boring and needy? I tried my best to always make a good time for him and never depending on him. Did I ever cling to him? We just meet two or three times a week and I have no problem with that. 

This is not a good reason for him to let me go. I never bother his work, instead, I always support him in everything. He's busy I know, and I appreciate his hard work. Then I remember something and scrolled...


15 JANUARY


His boss is a crazy woman, demanding, and stressed him out. She's very moody and lost, Jaden said that she was divorced and sometimes she mixed personal things with work.
Did he fell for her? Are they fall for each other? But she is ten years older than Jaden! There's no way Jaden attracted to her.

Or is he just busy with work life?  Maybe a lot of problems happened in his office? But I just saw his "last seen" and he didn't even read my last messages!

Image result for there is none too busy


I keep reading the quotes over and over and over again. This is true, if I was his priority, he will always update me with anything, even just one single text. This is shit, I can't think about anything else.


I also found some articles and love coaches videos on Youtube about this issue, how and why usually a man ghosting you.

**

1. You’re more into him than he’s into you.
I think it's not true, he clearly said he's into me while I still feel nothing for him,

2. He's scared he'll get an out-of-control response to rejection.
This is absolutely a big no, he's so smart he can read my signal that I also like him a lot!

3. He became serious with someone else.
I wish I'd known too...

4. He's not ready to commit.
Well, he talked a lot about marriage and future plans.

5. He's facing a really big problem.
This gives me a heart stroke and makes me worry more.

6. He's not interested anymore.
Please tell me this is not true, at least not in my case. Jaden is a gentleman type of person, he will directly say something if it's not working!


**




OR IS HE PARALYZED?




OR IS HE DEAD?




Look, I don't know about his family and friends, I have no idea whom I might ask about him! 
I checked his Facebook, Instagram, wondering if there is any clue from his friends. Well maybe "RIP" comments on his latest post? None. Thank God. I hope he is safe wherever he is.

I think too much.






It's been 2.5 hours since my mind played the CSI scripts, trying to collect pieces of clues to find out where he is and most importantly, why is he ignoring me.


Tears streamed down on my face, I take a long deep breath and I heard something whispered inside my head...












"Or maybe he just doesn't care anymore."





I close my eyes, repeated the voice again, and not denying it. 


Suddenly I feel peace, a beautiful warm fog covering my heart, something that I long for so long...

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rhea

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